Sunflower Herts

Domestic Violence is any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are (or have been) in a relationship together or between family members regardless of gender or sexuality.

Domestic violence is not physical abuse, it can be;

• emotional & psychological – verbal abuse, threats, constant criticism, sleep deprivation, threats to kill, isolation from friends / family;
• financial – withholding money, controlling how money is spent;
• sexual abuse – sexual degradation, rape, forced and unwanted sexual practices.

Domestic violence occurs throughout society regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality, wealth and geography. Whatever form it takes, domestic violence is rarely a one-off incident. More usually it is a pattern of abusive and controlling behaviour through which the abuser seeks power over the victim.

Indications of a potentially abusive relationship

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away, threatening to self harm, taking the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

Effect on Children

Children in a home where a parent is being abused are at a greater risk of being abused themselves. However, just because a child is not experiencing the Domestic Abuse first hand it does not mean they are not suffering. All children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused. They may experience the aftermath or sense the tension in the build up to the abuse or see the bruises or the upset parent. They may be used as a bargaining tool to control the abused parent.

In 2004, the Royal College of Psychiatrists identified that children experiencing abusive relationships may:

• become anxious or depressed;
• have difficulty sleeping and eating;
• have nightmares or flashbacks;
• be easily startled;
• complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches;
• start to wet their bed;
• have temper tantrums;
• behave as though they are much younger than they are;
• have problems with school;
• become aggressive;
• internalise their distress and withdraw from other people;
• have a lowered sense of self-worth;
• begin to play truant or start to use alcohol or drugs;
• begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves;
• develop an eating disorder.

It is important for you to seek help for the sake of your children.

Some abusers threaten that if their partner leaves or tells anyone about the violence, their children will be taken away from them. Social Services will not take your children away for this reason. They are there to support you and your children.